How?

How do you un-love someone? Someone who is obviously not right for you and committed to somebody else. Loved you and left you twice. How?

“How do I stop loving someone?”

“How do I un-love someone?”

These are the common questions I get asked. If the love is real and it is strong enough to cause you turmoil, then you simply can’t stop loving someone because we do not have on and off switch that way. We don’t transfer love from one person to the next the way we turn over an hourglass. Freud said, “We are never so defenseless against suffering, as when we love,” and that is the price of loving. You can’t erase it, rewind it, or suck out all we’ve invested in one person and spit it out. The only way I know how to ease the ache of loving someone who is wrong for you, who has wronged you and offended you, is to love yourself. I know it’s a dumb cliche, but it’s also underrated. Why is this person deserving of your love when they can’t return it? Why do they get to receive your devotion when they can’t give you the same? As the giver of love, why don’t you deserve the same devotion, forgiveness, and reciprocation from yourself? If you give yourself all the time, care and attention, and actually get used to it, you’ll find that you won’t let anyone else treat you less than how you treat yourself. Stop being the understudy, the second fiddle, the alternate lover when things are going wrong with #1.

You’re the main event. With you, he or she will get all they ever need and want and shouldn’t needanything more. If you are not enough, and if they do not see your worth and the kind of life you can give them, they sinply aren’t the one for you and they deserve to stay where they are. Think more highly of yourself, not just in love, but in all things. Demand no less than full disclosure and proof that he/she is free of other commitments. It’s true, there are no guarantees that someone will not hurt you again. There is also saying that goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” At a certain point we need to take responsibility for our misfortunes and recognize how we’ve allowed ourselves to be treated, and ask ourselves why we allow it. I’m a believer that if you make yourself #1, others will follow suit. They will see that there is no space in your life for someone isn’t all in. Take all your chips back from the table. From this point, you’re the dealer. If someone shows you the wrong set of cards, they’re busted. You don’t keep giving them cards. Capice?

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